Thirteen

It's nearly been a month since my 22nd birthday on the 13th of September.

It was made complete with a penis cake made by the restaurant and a pizza base thrown over my head. 

Most of all I was just really happy to have all the people I care about around a table all together for once. I remember feeling very lucky to know so many great people. These girls have been around for nearly ten years now. Sometimes we don't talk on the phone for weeks but I know they're there. I know that given an occasion where we need each other, be it happy or sad we'll be there. It's very sentimental, and i'm a complete cheese ball, but I do sort of believe that people are around for a reason, season or lifetime. I hope it's the latter with these girls. 

It takes me a long time to warm to people. But there are additions to my life over the years, especially the last few years that I'm glad i've met and got to know.

       

I've got a cold so I think i'm feeling especially emotional and needy. I'm sure next time I write anything i'll get my bitch back on. 

Twelve

Twelve months, 365 days.

On my 21st birthday I fell asleep at about 10pm in em's bed in Plymouth while everyone else had a party without me. Officially I went to Thorpe Park for my celebrations, I had lots on my mind at the time and cried as the theme park music played and children ran about dripping ice cream. Needless to say, my birthday was a flop. 

It hit me today that 12 months can change absolutely everything and sometimes nothing at all. My closest friends who I have now known for 8 years, some longer have stuck around through so much. I went to Brownies with Danielle and sometimes I swear she used to pick on me for being a fat child. When it gets to ten years it will be bizarre. Then there are newer friends, India from college and her kindness with an awful break up. Nailah knows how to push my buttons and make me laugh in equal measure and newer friends from London who have made the city feel like home.  

Eleven

Eleven has always sort of been my favourite number without realising it. At eleven o'clock each night in my old house in Reading I used to swing my legs out of my tiny bedroom window, sit on the sil and have a cigarette while listening to Broken Social Scene, the 7 minute version of Lover's Spit was not only much better than the shorter version but was also just long enough for the whole cigarette.

 making friends with the locals

Everything about Edinburgh was perfect.

Highlights were - tartan in every shop, mini band performances, subway dances, hostel horrors (hairdryers at 8am and hoovers at 9), singing karaoke with a bar full of loud scottish men, not just singing karaoke but singing I Kissed A Girl in front of loads of loud scottish men, the gay bar being called Gay Head Quarter, tongues on shoes, waking up with about 10 umbrellas in my bag, heckling Zoe Lyons then her tweeting me when we got home, food day where we just spent the day eating constantly, Em's ketchup obsession, laughing a lot, Jade making us try out interpretive theatre that just meant wondering around with earphones on looking slightly lost and perking up at the rude bits, the pictures that time would rather forget, boggle eye and evil eye and just laughing so so much.

Ten

For now all I can say is that i've spent most of the weekend doing a lot of this -

LOL

Laughing is a reaction to certain stimuli, fundamentally stress, which serves as an emotional balancing mechanism. Traditionally, it is considered a visual expression of happiness, or an inward feeling of joy. It may ensue from hearing a joke, being tickled, or other stimuli. It is in most cases a very pleasant sensation.

Nine

I can't stop listening to this song. I had such a nice afternoon with this on repeat.

I want to sing it to someone/someone sing it to me.


Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - Home

Her:
Alabama, Arkansas
I do love my ma and pa
Not that way that I do love you

Him:
Holy moley, me oh my
You're the apple of my eye
Girl, I've never loved one like you

Her:
Man, oh man, you're my best friend
I scream it to the nothingness
There ain't nothing that I need

Him:
Well, hot and heavy, pumpkin pie
Chocolate candy, Jesus Christ
Ain't nothing please me more than you

Both:
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you

La, la, la, la, take me home
Mother, I'm coming home

Him:
I'll follow you into the park 
Through the jungle, through the dark
Girl, I never loved one like you

Her:
Moats and boats and waterfalls
Alleyways and pay phone calls
I've been everywhere with you

Him:
That's true
Laugh until we think we'll die
Barefoot on a summer night
Never could be sweeter than with you

Her:
And in the streets you run a-free
Like it's only you and me
Geez, you're something to see

Both:
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you

La, la, la, la, take me home
Daddy, I'm coming home

(talking)
Him: Jade
Her: Alexander
Him: Do you remember that day you fell out of my window?
Her: I sure do, you came jumping out after me
Him: Well, you fell on the concrete, nearly broke your ass, you were bleeding all over the place and I rushed you out to the hospital, you remember that?
Her: Yes, I do
Him: Well, there's something I never told you about that night
Her: What didn't you tell me?
Him: While you were sitting in the backseat smoking a cigarette you thought was going to be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you, and I never told you until just now

Both:
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is where I'm alone with you

Him:
Home
Let me come home
Home is wherever I'm with you

Her:
Ah, home
Yes I am home
Home is when I'm alone with you

Her:
Alabama, Arkansas
I do love my ma and pa
Moats and boats and waterfalls
Alleyways and pay phone calls

Both:
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is where I'm alone with you

Eight

Gosh, I'm rattling through these posts like there's no tomorrow.


How had I never listened to Joanna Newsom before? One of life's great questions.


I've got this thing at the moment when I really like a song I play it on repeat until I know all the words, get annoyed with it then throw it to the curb like it's been completely used up on my ears. It's quite a rash approach to music as I know eventually I'll go crawling back to it with begging eardrums.


I feel like i've got PMT but I most definitely do not. I know this because I forgot how to spell definitely today and spent ages shouting at the screen, thinking whether it was an "a" or "ley" and I don't even know why i'd forgotten and that annoyed me even more because I felt really stupid, and then I felt stupid for spending so much energy on spelling it when I have a spell checker but then I was feeling too stubborn to use it for such a simple word and then the anger just spiralled. Then I started thinking about how much I wish I never needed spell checker and that my literacy skills have declined with age from 18. This then nicely reminded me of the time I was talking to my best friend's boyfriend, and instead of spelling his name (Saul, although I was going for the affectionate approach of Sauly) it spelt his name as Saucy....and to make matters worse I didn't realise this mistake until half way through the chat conversation. Brilliant, well done Sophie.


I fell into this hole a week ago and now it's back, this time it's due to tonsillitis that i'm sat in the corner of my room in my duvet, hiding from any natural light and generally spending the time either listening to music, reading or stalking people's holiday/coupley-in-love-and-we're-gunna-show-it pictures on Facebook, intensifying the feeling of woe further.


I've done a lot of reckless things. I've become indifferent.  I don't want to be 22 and repeating the same mistakes. Somedays I wake up and wish so much that I'd wake up with a beautiful girlfriend, that we'd have tea in bed and listen to radio 6 while we got ready, she'd make me laugh and i'd smile the whole way to work. Realistically, this would probably drive me crazy after about two months as I've become intensely used to my own company and space and i'd do something ridiculous to ruin this fairytale before it had even begun.I've realised with ageing, that I'm a great friend given half the chance but an awful girlfriend. Sometimes I just wish i'd kept people on the friendship side of the line, instead of crossing them over into something that it never needed to be. I guess that's something you learn with age/wisdom/experience.


I killed my dinner with karate
Kick 'em in the face, taste the body
Shallow work is the work that i do

Do you want to sit at my table
My fighting fame is fabled
And fortune finds me fit and able

And you do say - oh oh
That you do pray - oh oh
And you say that you're okay






I can wholly understand how people with disabilities are depressed, I can completely see why people who have lost their jobs are depressed, it's depressing not having the option of leaving the house.


 It's even worse when the door is open but you can't face walking through it.


I know everything is going to be okay.

Seven

Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away.


Sex & The City, 1999


As I've been cooped up indoors like a battery hen for the last two days with tonsillitis and so I've been confined to SATC watching with my housemate. It brought back a lot of teenage memories. I'm sure I found out the majority of what sex was crowded around a tv screen with a bunch of my closest friends aged 14 at sleepovers. It was a time when one of my best friends still had bunk beds and we would sneak outside for cigarettes. I used to love Miranda, but I think I mostly liked the idea of NY and the city and living in all that buzz. I still like the idea of NY, perhaps just from a different perspective now.


I wish I hadn't of been so drunk on Saturday and spent more time with the girls, I don't like the thought of us all growing old/up/apart even though it's only natural and something time can't stop. 

Six

This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization
It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away
Your love will be
Safe with me

I feel content. 

Nothing particularly spectacular has happened today but it's been a good day. Amongst the riots and chaos on the news i'm living in my own quiet harmony, perhaps this is aided by Bon Iver but i'm feeling wholesome.

I started a new job yesterday at a digital media agency in Shoreditch. I feel like i've just been needing to be preoccupied and needing to keep my brain busy. I secured some good leads for new business from The Metro online hopefully and they seem to be happy with me, so this is all very good news.

Beyonce and all her pop goddess wisdom had it in one about being the best thing I never had, and i'm so glad. 

This weekend i'll be sipping WKD on a boat for one of my oldest friend's 21st birthdays, and i'd literally rather be nowhere else, especially not at pride.

Five

If I don't go into that office every day, I don't know who I am anymore 

Four

I've had a hectic four days.

Thursday I went to the LGLV exhibition and then to a pub, I remember stroking a girl's hand for ages then went to central. 

Friday is lost to me. I think that's the day I cooked curry in a vague attempt to be healthy, but then I think I went to the pub that day too. Friday is missing.

Saturday I went to the BOY London clothing party with Shane, Anna and Amy,I drank £18 whiskeys.

Last night I went to Rebel Bingo at Scala, was sober, some girl flashed me her tits on the dance floor, then I went to a house party and didn't sleep all night. 

It was the worst night of my life, my heart palpitations were bad. Then I wondered down Brick Lane and  couldn't stay because the smell of food was making me feel sick. I think I may have poisoned myself a bit with the curry I made too.

To save a liver please give Sophie Fraser a job by phoning 0800 333 444. 

Three

...and at once I knew I was not magnificent

Two

Tonight i'm in bed listening to Winehouse.  The only article I really could be bothered to read about her death was by Russell Brand, it was honest and really well written. http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2011/jul/24/russell-brand-amy-winehouse-woman

My friend Amy, ironically, used to always say, it's better to burn out than to fade away. I also watched Factory Girl today too. It was quite fitting.I'm going through a P45 period, which is a Party 45 time, where you spend a lot of time post work on destroying your liver and lining your lungs with tar. 

On Saturday I cycled from central to my house, it took about 3 hours as we made the route up as we went along, I've got the cycling bug. The only thing you can think about is not being run over by a truck, great for taking your mind off things. 

I'm not going to be much use to anyone for a week or so. 

One

Today is one of those days where I definitely should've risen from my bed and done something, anything, just been proactive. Instead i've drunk copious amounts of tea, made cheese on toast (twice, i'm ashamed of myself) and browsed the internet aimlessly. I've googled "Fraser Island" dreaming of escaping, looked at flights for tonight to Paris, nearly booked train tickets to Cornwall, all the while knowing that the likelihood of actually leaving my bed, even to go to the corner shop and buy more cigarettes is nil. 


I know it's completely ridiculous, because i've not actually got anything to be sad about at all. My father always said that I land on my feet, and a part of me knows I will. Thats not being arrogant, it's just when i'm not in this sort of lull, I can be proactive and a real "go-getter". I've got options and if things get tough i've got quite thick skin, but I'm just a bit slow to adapt to change.


I sort of made this blog with the intention of uploading all the things i've been involved with over the last year and make it  semi - professional looking, and that hopefully will get done, sort of an online portfolio but these things take patience and time and the right mindset. 


Isn't it funny that the older you get the faster time flies? The last year has been lightening fast, time flies when you're having fun and all those other sayings. I remember going up in the Channel 4 lifts thinking to myself, you've only got 8 weeks left, not long now. That felt like yesterday, I hadn't prepared for post Channel 4, I'd looked for placements and thought about work but mentally leaving and not going back, it's a strange feeling, like a really big comedown. I know that it's temporary and that it's just one small chapter in a long succession of hopefully successful adventures but it feels a bit like something is missing already.


I've become a workaholic, this is something a lot of my friends would've never thought.  


It's 6pm on a Friday afternoon. Monday I will rise at 9am and sort out the placement I was supposed to start, perhaps look for some others, pull my CV together a bit more and stop moping. But as Nicole Scherzinger quite rightly says - don't hold your breath.