Eight

Gosh, I'm rattling through these posts like there's no tomorrow.


How had I never listened to Joanna Newsom before? One of life's great questions.


I've got this thing at the moment when I really like a song I play it on repeat until I know all the words, get annoyed with it then throw it to the curb like it's been completely used up on my ears. It's quite a rash approach to music as I know eventually I'll go crawling back to it with begging eardrums.


I feel like i've got PMT but I most definitely do not. I know this because I forgot how to spell definitely today and spent ages shouting at the screen, thinking whether it was an "a" or "ley" and I don't even know why i'd forgotten and that annoyed me even more because I felt really stupid, and then I felt stupid for spending so much energy on spelling it when I have a spell checker but then I was feeling too stubborn to use it for such a simple word and then the anger just spiralled. Then I started thinking about how much I wish I never needed spell checker and that my literacy skills have declined with age from 18. This then nicely reminded me of the time I was talking to my best friend's boyfriend, and instead of spelling his name (Saul, although I was going for the affectionate approach of Sauly) it spelt his name as Saucy....and to make matters worse I didn't realise this mistake until half way through the chat conversation. Brilliant, well done Sophie.


I fell into this hole a week ago and now it's back, this time it's due to tonsillitis that i'm sat in the corner of my room in my duvet, hiding from any natural light and generally spending the time either listening to music, reading or stalking people's holiday/coupley-in-love-and-we're-gunna-show-it pictures on Facebook, intensifying the feeling of woe further.


I've done a lot of reckless things. I've become indifferent.  I don't want to be 22 and repeating the same mistakes. Somedays I wake up and wish so much that I'd wake up with a beautiful girlfriend, that we'd have tea in bed and listen to radio 6 while we got ready, she'd make me laugh and i'd smile the whole way to work. Realistically, this would probably drive me crazy after about two months as I've become intensely used to my own company and space and i'd do something ridiculous to ruin this fairytale before it had even begun.I've realised with ageing, that I'm a great friend given half the chance but an awful girlfriend. Sometimes I just wish i'd kept people on the friendship side of the line, instead of crossing them over into something that it never needed to be. I guess that's something you learn with age/wisdom/experience.


I killed my dinner with karate
Kick 'em in the face, taste the body
Shallow work is the work that i do

Do you want to sit at my table
My fighting fame is fabled
And fortune finds me fit and able

And you do say - oh oh
That you do pray - oh oh
And you say that you're okay






I can wholly understand how people with disabilities are depressed, I can completely see why people who have lost their jobs are depressed, it's depressing not having the option of leaving the house.


 It's even worse when the door is open but you can't face walking through it.


I know everything is going to be okay.